February 25, 2007

Snake and Rabbit

Filed under: Funny Stuff — Joe Brewer @ 3:45 pm

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned Bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

I’ve been blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.” It’s quite ok,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you

what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you’ll have that going for you.”.

“Oh, that would be wonderful” replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny rabbit.”

“Oh, thank you, thank you,” cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you’ve helped me.” So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management.”

February 22, 2007

An early st Patricks Day funny

Filed under: Funny Stuff — Joe Brewer @ 12:42 pm

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

January 31, 2007

A few ideas for your Out of Office message

Filed under: Funny Stuff — Joe Brewer @ 12:36 pm
  1. I am currently away from my desk, beating my head against the wall. Your message will be replied to once I have reached a level of numbness sufficient to cloud my vision to the point I am able to formulate an a pp ropriate response to your request.
  2. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
  3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
  4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return on April 1st. Please be patient and your Mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
  5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
  6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.***(***The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
  7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in a pp roximately 19 weeks.
  8. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
  9. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as “Marvin” instead of “Mary”.

November 22, 2006

Zen with a difference

Filed under: Funny Stuff — Joe Brewer @ 2:39 pm
  1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and leave me alone.
  2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
  3. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s milk and newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
  4. Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.
  5. Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
  6. Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
  7. Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
  8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  9. If you think nobody cares whether you’re dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
  10. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  11. If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.
  12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  13. Have you ever lent someone a 20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it. , If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
  14. Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.
  15. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
  16. Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
  17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  18. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  19. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
  20. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much if your lips are moving.
  21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  22. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  23. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
  24. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
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